Lielle

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Teen leaning forward toward music stand with two other musicians in the background

Lielle wrote this essay about her journey from public school to self-directed education:

I grew up in New York City and spent most of my childhood in traditional school settings, both public and private, with set curricula. Over years of experience, I got good at working the system. I used the big words that teachers liked, sat at the front of the class and paid attention, and shushed my fellow students if they were loud. I went as far as yelling at my entire 7th grade class when they would not let my teacher speak. I was the epitome of a “goody-two-shoes.” I got bad at knowing what my value was outside of A’s on a report card. It sounds extreme, which it was.

At the end of 10th grade, I moved to New Jersey and came to a fork in the road: back to public school, or something different? I knew that I did well academically. I now had new interests that I wanted to pursue and felt ready to be more independent. Self-directed learning would give me the space to study sustainable agriculture and allied subjects. I could let go of all the academic competition. In traditional school, I had put good grades above sleep, socializing, and worst of all, my own well-being. In fifth grade, I skipped trick or treating to finish a homework assignment. The issue only snowballed from there. I regularly stayed up until midnight in 7th grade to complete homework assignments. By the time I got to high school, midnight was a regular bedtime, and I did homework up until that time. I had constant anxiety about academic performance. What’s my GPA? How did I do on the math test? I wonder if I got the highest grade in the class. If my grade was below a 93, I would be upset. I got positive feedback from all this work; I was consistently an A student from 6th to 10th grade. Could I step outside of the traditional framework that had given me good grades? Could I instead step into the freedom of wholly choosing my schedule, curriculum, and trajectory?

The summer before my junior year, I was in a constant internal debate over this choice. Directing my own education could be really cool, I would choose my classes, study agriculture, that would be awesome. What about college? It’s my junior year… will colleges be able to accept me if I homeschool in this academic year? Picking my own classes would be so amazing, though. The freedom! What about the social aspect of school, though? UGH!

“I think the freedom is worth it. I’ll get to study what I want,” I told my mom. “I’m just scared. It is a small setting and I have never done anything like this before.”

“I know,” She replied. “Well, why don’t you try it? See how it goes. You can always go back to public school if you choose to.”

I joined RLC in my junior year. I looked at my mentor from across the table in our first mentoring meeting and began to bombard her with my internal struggle. “Can I still go to college? I grade myself? I have to request tests? They’re optional? I don’t need to go to a class that I don’t want to go to? Things are up to me? What do I want to do?” I was handed the reins of my education. As much as I thought I was ready for freedom, I felt overwhelmed. I would not get my reward through good grades; the learning itself was the reward.

I thought school was a group of classes you were assigned to, not something I could design. I had been in a standardized paradigm and now was invited to step outside of it. I started seeing people beyond their academic performance because there were no grades for me to compare myself to others. I was meeting people solely as people. I also learned that there are many ways to cover “requirements.” I could do poetry for my English requirement, study animal science for my science of choice, study ancient civilizations for history. I could direct the focus of each of my core classes so that I could genuinely enjoy each one while still handling a requirement. I got credit for all that I learned. Working on a dairy farm and horse farm counted toward my animal science class. Working on an organic vegetable farm and tending my garden counted toward my agriculture curriculum. I had the option to make my education what I wanted it to be.

Now, at the end of my senior year, I do feel confident taking the reins on my education because it is so much fun. Self-directed learning has made me take the lead on what I want to study and be accountable for what I choose. I have said yes and no to various opportunities to forge the path that felt most aligned with my passions. I was able to cover my high school requirements in my junior and senior year and fill the majority of my time studying things I love: sustainable agriculture, homesteading, botany, anatomy and physiology, and more.

One of the most profound impacts homeschooling in a group setting has had on me is that I can make a unique and empowered choice and be supported in the choice. This is unique, because seldom do people have that kind of validation in a unique choice. The choice to step outside of the system I did well in felt sad, like a high I could no longer have. I found that what empowered me to grow the most was finding out who I was outside of the academics. If I wanted grades to show on an application, I could also choose a class I wanted to take at my local community college, enjoy it, and do well in it! (Plus, gain some college credits in the process).

Ultimately, freedom is the essence of self-directed learning. It has taught me skills (that I am still learning) that I will use for the rest of my life. It has taught me the will and courage to follow my passions and find a group of people who support that pursuit. I started to reach out to professionals to ask advice and listen to their wisdom. I have prioritized what is important and said no to the rest, met people as people, and learned how to learn, not for a grade, but for learning itself. I have also learned to still try my best because that’s who I am, not for validation from an arbitrary letter on a page. 

I feel as though I have been allowed to have more direct life experience earlier than I would have otherwise. The capacity to step out of group agreement for what is normal, or the one way to be successful, is one of the most important skills I have practiced. It taught me that I can do something different, be just as successful on a unique path, and meet amazing people along the way. That practice of choosing what is right for me, even if others do not understand it, has given me so much courage. I am now putting this into practice by taking a gap year. I will take more time to keep finding out who I am outside of academics. I know definitively that I will continue to call on and build the skills that I have learned in this experience. Life is all about self-directed learning anyway, and I will be a self-directed learner for the rest of my life.

–Lielle, 2024